Day 2 How I feel today

  I feel confused today. I feel confused because I am seriously taking a spiritual journey and I'm the only one who is doing it in my family. I'm confused as well because I do not attend church and I'm participating in LENT. I have to remind myself that GOD hears you everywhere you go. I honestly never liked church it always made me feel uncomfortable, judged, confused, and actually scarred of GOD. This may be funny but I really need this 40 Day sacrificing of  fried food and time to get a better understanding of GOD.  I plan on purchasing Meditation When Buddhism meets Christianity to learn how to take time out everyday to meditate and pray to builder a closer relationship with GOD. So after 40 days I want feel confused anymore.

Friendship

  Since, I am participating in Lent this year I am praying and meditating to ask for spiritual guidance for things I feel I struggle with. Friendship is something I feel that I always struggled with.

 As a overweight child friendships in school were not easy or pleasant. I remember how my 2 ex-bestfriends turned on me when we reached middle school. I was the outcast and it made my weight issues more of an insecurity. They became popular and I didn't.  Then my 8th grade year I meet Nicole J the rest is history. In high school I meet my bff  who I call Kupkake. And i also meet one of my bff  who I call Sexi. Then in college I meet my other bff which I nick named her SuperStar. Me and Sexi and Superstar friendship has taken a very negative downturn. I love them but we are growing apart.

    Why Friendships are hard for me?
Loyalty: I am a very loyal person. I expect people to be just as loyal to me as I am to them. As someone once said loyalty is vintage . I come to find this very true. As we grow older people begin to change. I had friend choose her boyfriend over me which I felt was disloyal because I would never do her like that. I feel bff's are suppose to be thick as thieves. I ride for you and you ride for me. Like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda they valued to never let anyone or anything break their friendship. That's LOYALTY. 
Family: I consider my bff's family. I often feel like my bff's do not consider me as part of their families. This could be because I always wanted sisters. I automatically assume they are my sisters. I can tell you how many times  I felt left out with my friends. I have a certain friend who hardly invites me to participate with family events such as girls day out or family gatherings. I throw hints to her to see if she would pick up on it. But, I always invite them to my family things. This to can be something I have to work on myself separating family and friends. I think also because my bff's have younger siblings and some are only children play apart in why they separate the two enties.
Personalities:  I often feel that my friends dont understand me. lol Over the years I have changed as a person. I'm free spirited now I dont believe in boundaries of religion, institutions, or government. I feel we often butt heads because of our personalities are different. I have a friend who has a hard time opening up to people which she often time shuts me out. I never told her that when she does that it hurts my feelings and it makes me feel like I'm over bearing. So the recent year or so I have gotten to the point where I learn to distance myself from my friends at times. I turn off my phone for a couple of days to give myself sometime alone. I distant myself from them to give them space and try to hang out with some new friends. Learning about Zen and Meditation it teaches you how to be alone, letting go of attachments, and being one with yourself.

I love my friends and are willing to look at me from the inside to make sure I'm giving to them the love and time they deserve. But, I honestly wish at times I could openly express that its not always a two way street on their end. They are good people been there for me in my times of need. Friendships are like relationships they have there ups and downs. They require work from both people to make it last. Sometimes you have to learn to let go when its time to go your separate ways.

Lent 40 Day Blogging

 

 Lent: The traditional purpose of Lent is the penitential preparation of the believer—through prayer, penance, repentance, almsgiving, and self-denial. Its institutional purpose is heightened in the annual commemoration of Holy Week, marking the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events of the Passion of Christ on Good Friday, which then culminates in the celebration on Easter Sunday of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ 

What am I sacrificing for Lent: 1.Fried Food and Soda  2. Time . The reason i choose the two things is because one I don't make time for GOD or myself like I should. I have weakness for fried food which is not health at all. I am not a religious person by far ,but I do believe in having a spiritual relationship with GOD. We are spiritual beings, mind, body, and spirit are connected. My best friend Nicole J has asked me to participate with her during this years lent. Wish us luck.

No Funny Valentines

  Confessions...I never had a valentines. This year will  be especially hard for me because I felt and is still dealing with a fresh heart break. I must admit I did not believe that you can really feel your heart break or drop until it happened to me.  I went through a 2 year off and on situation with a male. This was my first time ever feeling any type of feelings for a male. This situation was confusing, tiring, hurtful, shameful, and most of all down right painful. I admit i did some things to add to the situation turning out the way that it did. But I am a romantic and I never intended to hurt him the way he did me. Its funny how a relationship or in my case a situation can cause such a up turn in your life. This situation caught me off of guard I wasn't looking for this. I had gotten use to being the single friend then he showed up with all the wrong intentions.

        What hurt me the most is not his actions but the reactions from my friends when I keep letting him back into my life. I know my friends love me but I can honestly say things are different when its your life in the hot seat.  My friends were supportive the first couple of times but the last times they were like "you need to know your worth" "why is he still relevant?" " Let it go" "Move on". Even though I know they love me and had my best interest at heart, but often I felt attacked, as if they were being insensitive, and added to the confusion at times.And what pissed me off the most is how people quickly forget their trials and tribulations. I cant tell you how many times certain friends chewed me out for loving him ,but they were in very similar or worst situations then I was in.It got so bad that my bestfriend stopped talking to me for a while. That hurt me worst then anything he could have ever done. I needed her at that time but I forgive her and myself because we both never experienced something like this. I just know i'll be more supportive to her when she finally experience it. I'll be there to wash the tears away and keep listening no matter how many times she plays the same song over and over.

Through out the situation I learned things about myself, friends, and love in general. 1.We all will experience this type of pain at least once and its okay.  We all are Emily(love and hip hop) once a point in time. For along time I felt ashamed for ever loving him and admitting to people. 2.Females change when they get a man.3. No one will understand how you feel only you unless they have or still in a similar situations.  4.I learned to except failure as a positive lesson as well. Even though he is gone that does not mean that some one better will not come to me. This situation failed but the next might be a success.  5.Someone told me to forgive myself for loving the wrong person in order to move on. And their RIGHT I FORGIVE ME! Also Forgive that person who hurt you.  6. I know my worth! it pissed me off as well when certain friends would say that. I'm human and i had to experience this just like them. Just because i was blinded for a while does not mean I do not my worth. Shit happens when the smartest person can have dumb moment. Mines lasted for 2 years but Im still beautiful, smart, loveable, nice, and most importantly RESPECTED!!!!!!!!  7. Time heals all wounds you cant rush your healing process. It takes time and a lot patience to heal. 8. I need to work on the RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD... he sets the tone for all the other men who come in my life. That relationship has been broken for years its time to fix that one


So this Valentines its just me and Nicole J like it always has been. I love my bestfriend She's my ying to my yang. Even thought this year its not a FUNNY VALENTINES BUT WE WILL HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!! CANT WAIT.  "   “There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.” MALCOM X 
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha

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