Confessions...I never had a valentines. This year will be especially hard for me because I felt and is still dealing with a fresh heart break. I must admit I did not believe that you can really feel your heart break or drop until it happened to me. I went through a 2 year off and on situation with a male. This was my first time ever feeling any type of feelings for a male. This situation was confusing, tiring, hurtful, shameful, and most of all down right painful. I admit i did some things to add to the situation turning out the way that it did. But I am a romantic and I never intended to hurt him the way he did me. Its funny how a relationship or in my case a situation can cause such a up turn in your life. This situation caught me off of guard I wasn't looking for this. I had gotten use to being the single friend then he showed up with all the wrong intentions.
What hurt me the most is not his actions but the reactions from my friends when I keep letting him back into my life. I know my friends love me but I can honestly say things are different when its your life in the hot seat. My friends were supportive the first couple of times but the last times they were like "you need to know your worth" "why is he still relevant?" " Let it go" "Move on". Even though I know they love me and had my best interest at heart, but often I felt attacked, as if they were being insensitive, and added to the confusion at times.And what pissed me off the most is how people quickly forget their trials and tribulations. I cant tell you how many times certain friends chewed me out for loving him ,but they were in very similar or worst situations then I was in.It got so bad that my bestfriend stopped talking to me for a while. That hurt me worst then anything he could have ever done. I needed her at that time but I forgive her and myself because we both never experienced something like this. I just know i'll be more supportive to her when she finally experience it. I'll be there to wash the tears away and keep listening no matter how many times she plays the same song over and over.
Through out the situation I learned things about myself, friends, and love in general. 1.We all will experience this type of pain at least once and its okay. We all are Emily(love and hip hop) once a point in time. For along time I felt ashamed for ever loving him and admitting to people. 2.Females change when they get a man.3. No one will understand how you feel only you unless they have or still in a similar situations. 4.I learned to except failure as a positive lesson as well. Even though he is gone that does not mean that some one better will not come to me. This situation failed but the next might be a success. 5.Someone told me to forgive myself for loving the wrong person in order to move on. And their RIGHT I FORGIVE ME! Also Forgive that person who hurt you. 6. I know my worth! it pissed me off as well when certain friends would say that. I'm human and i had to experience this just like them. Just because i was blinded for a while does not mean I do not my worth. Shit happens when the smartest person can have dumb moment. Mines lasted for 2 years but Im still beautiful, smart, loveable, nice, and most importantly RESPECTED!!!!!!!! 7. Time heals all wounds you cant rush your healing process. It takes time and a lot patience to heal. 8. I need to work on the RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD... he sets the tone for all the other men who come in my life. That relationship has been broken for years its time to fix that one
So this Valentines its just me and Nicole J like it always has been. I love my bestfriend She's my ying to my yang. Even thought this year its not a FUNNY VALENTINES BUT WE WILL HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!! CANT WAIT. " “There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.” MALCOM X
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha
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