Friendship

  Since, I am participating in Lent this year I am praying and meditating to ask for spiritual guidance for things I feel I struggle with. Friendship is something I feel that I always struggled with.

 As a overweight child friendships in school were not easy or pleasant. I remember how my 2 ex-bestfriends turned on me when we reached middle school. I was the outcast and it made my weight issues more of an insecurity. They became popular and I didn't.  Then my 8th grade year I meet Nicole J the rest is history. In high school I meet my bff  who I call Kupkake. And i also meet one of my bff  who I call Sexi. Then in college I meet my other bff which I nick named her SuperStar. Me and Sexi and Superstar friendship has taken a very negative downturn. I love them but we are growing apart.

    Why Friendships are hard for me?
Loyalty: I am a very loyal person. I expect people to be just as loyal to me as I am to them. As someone once said loyalty is vintage . I come to find this very true. As we grow older people begin to change. I had friend choose her boyfriend over me which I felt was disloyal because I would never do her like that. I feel bff's are suppose to be thick as thieves. I ride for you and you ride for me. Like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda they valued to never let anyone or anything break their friendship. That's LOYALTY. 
Family: I consider my bff's family. I often feel like my bff's do not consider me as part of their families. This could be because I always wanted sisters. I automatically assume they are my sisters. I can tell you how many times  I felt left out with my friends. I have a certain friend who hardly invites me to participate with family events such as girls day out or family gatherings. I throw hints to her to see if she would pick up on it. But, I always invite them to my family things. This to can be something I have to work on myself separating family and friends. I think also because my bff's have younger siblings and some are only children play apart in why they separate the two enties.
Personalities:  I often feel that my friends dont understand me. lol Over the years I have changed as a person. I'm free spirited now I dont believe in boundaries of religion, institutions, or government. I feel we often butt heads because of our personalities are different. I have a friend who has a hard time opening up to people which she often time shuts me out. I never told her that when she does that it hurts my feelings and it makes me feel like I'm over bearing. So the recent year or so I have gotten to the point where I learn to distance myself from my friends at times. I turn off my phone for a couple of days to give myself sometime alone. I distant myself from them to give them space and try to hang out with some new friends. Learning about Zen and Meditation it teaches you how to be alone, letting go of attachments, and being one with yourself.

I love my friends and are willing to look at me from the inside to make sure I'm giving to them the love and time they deserve. But, I honestly wish at times I could openly express that its not always a two way street on their end. They are good people been there for me in my times of need. Friendships are like relationships they have there ups and downs. They require work from both people to make it last. Sometimes you have to learn to let go when its time to go your separate ways.